This whole month has been--to use a cliche that always proves why it's a good cliche--a rollercoaster. One of Jon's grandmothers passed away suddenly. Other family issues. I'm leaving a position I sometimes liked a lot at SmokeLong to take on being an Editor at The Offing. Our landlord has hired what appears to be the most incompetent roofer in the world and what we were told would take 2 weeks at most, has now lasted a month. Yesterday things were even worse because it rained and the roofer forgot to secure a tarp over the exposed sections of the roof. So our closet wall and ceiling are damaged now, a bunch of our clothes have gotten soaked, and I spent most of yesterday morning cleaning, vacuuming, and packing up clothes.
It was one of those days where I was so mad. And it was one of those angers where I didn't have to stop and pause like I usually do when I'm angry and think a) am I overreacting? and b) is this my fault at all? Most of the times when I'm mad, I think those things and I deflate pretty fast now. Or at least go stone silent until the anger washes out. But this was one of those holy shit, I'm not wrong and actually expressing (in a politeish way) my anger might make this situation get solved a little faster moments. What I have learned as an adult woman and especially as an adult black woman is that there are rarely occasions where you can actually express the anger you're feeling without people treating you like an insane person.
I got invited to a debate party last night. And it probably would've been fine. I would have been surrounded by dear friends, good food, and lots of liquor. But after being angry most of the day, I just couldn't take it. Some of it was I think it's truly possible to just have too much anger. I don't think I could have sat down and watched either candidate discuss black lives in America without exploding. And not in a fun, cool, look how funny I'm being way, but in a teary, I am scared way.
And the other thing is I just didn't want to see a man get applauded again for basically transforming himself into blustering, stupid anger. And on some level, I intellectually get why people support Donald Trump. Most people want to see themselves reflected in the symbols of their nations. He probably acts how some people feel inside. But every time I think about people who support him, I wonder what are they going to do if he is elected? When they have a reason to stop being angry (finally someone who has promised me all the things I deserve to be promised, finally someone who looks like me, etc. etc.), what's going to happen? Electing a president isn't like lashing out at someone in anger and being able to just go back and say, Look I should have handled that better. Treated you with more respect. I'm sorry. And I sincerely doubt that most of the people who are gungho Trumpheads are big apologizers. In general, I wish more people were better at apologies. I think those are the make or break moments for people to show who they really are. Do I care more about my ego or about respecting someone else? I want to (within reason) always be a person who cares more about the people around me than my own ego.