This week, I went to the dentist because I was experiencing some tooth pain. I need two root canals. When they were telling me how much it would cost, giving me all my options, explaining things, I got so overwhelmed that I started crying. And it was this miserable moment, worrying about money, making these important decisions about how to deal with my (genetically awful and also just goddamn, does bourbon mess your mouth up) teeth, crying in front of people that I don't know, and Ellen's on the TV in the next room and she's telling the kind of jokes you laugh at when you've had a long day and your just thirsty to feel anything, but tired.
Then the problem became a little harder because the person they thought I should go to was on vacation until next week and they really thought I should go on pain pills. And I refused the pain pills. The main reason is I had promised a lot of brain work to people over this week: I had a fellowship proposal to write, a fellowship to apply to, a textbook chapter to revise, and more, and more. And pain pills make me in general TOO high. But now it's Saturday and I've been in pain for days and it's getting to the point where Advil (even the doctor recommended three to four) is starting not to cut it. So now I've been grumpy and tired and distracted.
On top of that, I found out something that I think is dumb and ugly, but I have to take care of and make right because of family obligations is going to cost another bunch of money. Doing the math, I realized I have never in my entire life been on the hook for so much money all at once in such a short span of time. I'm a little sick thinking about typing it right now!
On the other hand, I make an important life decision and signed with an agent. I'm excited. She and I click a ton, I think. I feel weirdly good about the decision (which is strange for me because I often spend my time feeling hesitant directly after something that feels like a big deal thing).
It's just kind of bewildering to alternating between being so excited about professional stuff (it's something that I kinda didn't think would ever be possible. I regularly think when it comes to writing: well, this is as far it goes. It was a fun ride!) and then being so annoyed and tired physically and fiscally.
What I want--because this whole year has been like this--where things just settle down for a while. I'm fine with having some mildly good things and some mildly tough life stuff happening. I'm just exhausted and burnt out from alternating between dealing with some super rough stuff. Give me a little bit of a break, life!
I promise I'll talk about books or art or Atlanta or something more fun next time.